bad day
isn't it strange how a completely normal day can feel so shitty. today was just ur normal average day but i felt like shit inside. first off i realized how bad it is between me and tiffany. my once best friend is now nothing more than just a school friend. we barely talk in school on a good day and we never talk on the phone anymore. however even tho we aren't even friends i still want to be with her everytime i see her. i love her and i can't even talk to her. maybe the reason why i don't try to reconcile with her is out of fear that it'll just hurt more to be that close to her. either way i don't forsee it happening anytime in the near future. i also have to dump kelly today. well thats on my agenda anyways. im not sure if i want to go through with it now. last night i wanted to and then today i saw her and something happened. i don't know what it was but i just started thinking maybe it isn't such a good idea. i'm still attracted to her but its just that im not sure if we're right for each other. i don't know i think its just the feeling of being in a relationship, the security of having someone there for u. if thats it which i have the suspicion it is, then i just keep telling myself that it will be better with someone that i have more feelings for. well shit, looks like im still gonna be taken for the day. well on to other news. i found myself contemplating suicide again today. im not sure what it is that causes it but sometimes thats the only thing i can think about all day. i know im not going to do it, mainly because im one of those people that can't take not being there. but im running out of ways to fight the urge to do it. today for about 5 or 10 minutes i was actually planning to do it. i was just sayin to myself all u gotta do is go home find a knife and cut ur wrists. but obviously i didn't do it. fuck man im gonna go i don't even know what im feelin right now.